When the natives look slightly… different

July 29, 2010 § 2 Comments

If you meet one in a lonely alley you might want to try fondling its hair. Aren't you curious?

I have watched the new Predators (starring newly-buff Adrien Brody, who most likely gave up sex in preparation for his role). I have not watched the old Predator (starring Arnie, who may or may not have given up sex in preparation for his role – but we will never know).

The Predators are very cool. I mean it. They are not just our darkest imagining of the Other; they are our darkest imagining of the Other equipped with technology beyond our dreams. Or only hinted at in our dreams. So, yes. They are, like, amazing. If I met one, I will calmly shoot myself. Fight? No.

This movie has alerted me to the important need of owning a gun and having it with me at all times.

*Edited to include mention of… SPOILERS!

SPOILERS!

Our 21st-century Predators, however, still feels woefully familiar.

SPOILERS!

There are a bunch of white people. The white man, the American, he is the Leader. To emphasise this, he does not talk. He rasps. He.is.The.Leader. Okay? There are other white people, and then there are coloured people. The coloured people all die.

There is the requisite one feisty female. She is Israeli. At some point during the movie she looks at the dead bodies and flinches, even though she’s a soldier who has seen many dead bodies. She also has qualities like compassion and tenderness. She also wears a tank-top that reveals a hint of cleavage. It is hot in the jungle.

Among the coloured folks, there is the requisite wrinkled Latin American older man. He is dangerous and tough. He is the first to die.

There is the requisite one black slash African dude. He is kind of comical, and he’s also very tough.  He is the second to die.

(In the middle of all this there is one other black dude but this time it’s the requisite American black dude. He is a bit loony in the head. He dies.)

There is one white American guy who’s on Death Row. He makes rape jokes. He dies.

There is the requisite one Asian slash Japanese dude. He is silent, though it is revealed that he speaks English. He also dies, but only after some very poignant and meaningful Ninja-esque sword fighting with Predator. There is a hint of Ninja-cum-Predator music playing in the background. WARNING: a lump might swell in your throat.

There is another American guy who is a crazy doctor. He dies.

The American Leader dude is still alive. The Israeli feisty girl is still alive. (Lies and propaganda. All lies and propaganda!)

American and Israeli go off in to the woods to find a way to leave this hellhole and maybe fight more Predators and presumably procreate, because Earth needs more Americans and Israeli spawn to withstand Predators and the universe’s continued illogical cruelty. It’s like American Leader Man = Adam and Israeli Feisty Girl = Eve, and this alien planet jungle is the rebirth of a new world order. Or something.

THE END.

(It’s a fun movie. I recommend it.)

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§ 2 Responses to When the natives look slightly… different

  • Carmen Thong says:

    How exquisite.🙂

    Half the fun is guessing who will die, and looks like they’ve given us a guessing board selection that’s dead obvious again…

  • Subashini says:

    Ooops. I should have put a big SPOILER thingy up there.🙂

    But honestly, trust me when I say that this movie is not so interesting in terms of figuring out who dies… more in terms of how they die. Predators don’t hold back on creativity in killing.😉

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