To humans: You lost faith in me? No, I lost faith in you first. Okay! I win! Love, God.

Against my better instincts, I went to watch Legion last night. I went mainly because I think Paul Bettany is a great actor. (And okay, maybe I was a bit taken by the bare-chested angel in disgrace bit.) He’s one of those actors who are good at their craft, but bad at picking their roles. Wimbledon and The Da Vinci Code come to mind.I thought the elements involved – angry God, renegade angels – would have made for intelligent if somewhat predictable fare, with some guns and wings thrown in. Was I ever wrong.

Spoilers ahead for those of you who actually want to watch it (please don’t):

1) Possibly, I should have read the Bible before I went to see it. Gabriel, who is on God’s side, killed Michael while he was in his human form. We all think Michael is dead. (Oh Paul Bettany, so lovely even in death). But Michael is not dead, he swoops down to save that dude from Gabriel on the rocky mountains, back in his angel-form again. Gabriel is like, “Huh?” Audience members in the cinema are all, “Huh?” We understand Gabriel’s confusion. Michael tries to clarify things:

“You gave Him what he wanted,” he tells Gabriel. “I gave Him what he needed.”

Audience: ….

2) While demon-inhabiting old ladies and cute young kids is a common trope of horror movies since the days of yore, can I just say: PLEASE FREAKING STOP. I do not want to see any more movies with grandma chomping on people and scuttling across the ceiling, alright? No more. It all stops now.

3) BUT! Those nice people aren’t really possessed by demons. They’re possessed by angels. So, in this twisted turn of events where God loses faith in humanity and employs his army to strike us off the face of the earth, the angels become demons. Get it? Ooooh, ahhh.

4) Who is that baby? Why is he going to save humanity? Second-coming of Christ? What? Huh? Huh? Huh?!?! I mean, I’m sorry for those people who died protecting the baby. Because baby seems like ordinary baby to me.

5) Paul Bettany attempting to stitch himself up is very hot.

6) Why did God have this change of heart towards his chosen ones? We get some startling perspective on this through the voice-over of Charlie, the mother of The Baby: “Maybe he just got tired of all the bullshit.” I guess that’s the part where we say, “Amen.”

Conclusion: In this instant-Apocalypse in reverse, God IS Satan, from our perspective. Or maybe not. Maybe kinda. We are our own demons. Who can tell the difference?

Audience: …